Natasha Bedingfield

So very irritating, so weirdly compelling.

My television set is broken

It is psychosomatic.

EGGNOG!

That is all.

Stop Press!

Fresh from the shock about women politicians, the Daily Mail now reveal newscasters have legs! Legs, I tell you! Legs!

I am horrified.

Please tell me

how in God's name a man standing at the entrance of Boots saying, "Please be careful, it's really quite slippery," makes you any less likely to fall over? Especially when he is offering you no alternative route.

On thinking there must be a conspiracy against you

[Large, Intimidating] Pharmacist: Miss EveryoneElseHasABlog?
Me: Yes.
Ph: I'm afraid I cannot dispense this prescription.
Me: Gosh. Why?
Ph: What your doctor has written does not make sense.
Me: Oh. But. Surely it only says, 'please give this lady some steroids'.
Ph: Yes, I can see about the steroids, that's fine, but I don't understand the second thing.
Me: What second thing?
Ph: He has written you should have steroids, and then a second drug which I don't understand.
Me: But it is just the steroids. My consultant explained it to me.
Ph: No there is definitely something else.
Me: No, just steroids. He wrote me a letter explaining it.
Ph: Do you have the letter with you?
Me: No. [And even if I did it would be none of your business, you prick.]
Ph: I cannot dispense this prescription without seeing that letter.
Me: Why not [you prick]?
Ph: Because this prescription is not clear.
Me: I really don't understand. He just said I have to take steroids once every six hours for 48 hours and then go for a blood test. He is testing my glands. There is nothing else.
Ph: It does not say anything about a blood test on this prescription. It says about you having the steroids then something else.
Me: [Of course he hasn't written the blood test on the effing prescription, he is not expecting you to dispense it to me.] Look...
Ph: I need to see the letter.
Me: [I am going to kill you.] OK. Please give me the 'scrit back
Ph: [Hands it to me.] Sorry.
Me: I think I might be able to help you. Is it this bit here you don't understand?
Ph: Yes.
Me: Because it says, 'then measure cortisol levels'.
Ph: Really?
Me: Yes.
Ph: [Takes 'script back]. Oh! So it does!
Me: [You are a patronising idiot.]