Believe me

You don't want to know about my bodily functions

New Image

Working the shuffling old lady with heart problems aesthetic.

Yes, I am this stupid

I forgot that I am going on holiday on Friday.

Everyone I hate has a name beginning with J

So it would seem.

What I will write at book signings when people who have shafted me come to the front of the queue and pretend they love me #1 (an occasional series)

Dear Jeremy,

I know you're sorry and I couldn't give a fuck, frankly. You know as well as I do that this book will last longer than any of your creative endeavours even though it's pretty mediocre.

Thanks again,

Me
x

Mini-Break

I have decided to take a holiday from being neurologically interesting. I am taking offers from anyone who would like to exchange impairments for a short length of time. Ideally I'd like to borrow something a little less brain-related, maybe a broken leg or a touch of tennis elbow.

Serious offers only, please.

The GP's receptionist

mistook the results of my chlamydia swab for the results of my blood tests. Hmm.

Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow

Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow

I had a blood test

Nothing was wrong with my arm before that. Now there is a bruise.

Edinburgh

is in Scotland.

What I will write at book signings when people who hate me come to the front of the queue and pretend they love me #1 (an occasional series)

Dear Jill,

I have more intelligence in my little finger than you have in your entire body. And most people hate you even more than I do. And please take off that pashmina.

K
x