Bleurgh

That's all.

I feel sick

You know these.

Well, sometimes they're scary too. Not in a bad way, but still...

Gulp.

Triumph of the Disco Stick

HER: I'm very sorry that you have to use it, but your stick really is rather beautiful.
ME: Thank you. It is, isn't it. And I'm not sorry. With disability comes a whole new world of accessories most girls can only dream of.
EVERYONE IN THE ROOM: [Confused Looks]
HER: [Picks up the phone and calls emergency services.]

Might I just point out

that Jarvis Cocker will read you bedtime stories, assuming you have an iPod and the necessary technical know-how.

And we're not even going to talk about how I know he's doing a secret gig round the corner from me some time very soon and I seem to have managed to not acquire tickets.

Because if we were to talk about that, I might have to admit that that means I'm not cool anymore.

Fuck.

Your head is your business

But don't mess with mine in the meantime. Yeh?

Mumble Mumble Goat

mumble mumble mumble
mumble
mumble mumble
mumble
goat

Jesus Christ Almighty

A full rush hour train. Again.

Me: "Is anyone sitting in this seat?"
Her: "No."
Me: "Great. I'd like to sit there, please."
Her: "But I don't know what else to do with my case."
Me: "It's the only free seat on the train."
Her: "Yeah, but if I take it off the seat it'll block the aisle."
Me: "If I stand here, I'll block the aisle."

Etc.

And that's after I'd walked past three sets of priority seats and no one had even thought about offering.

Seriously, people of Brighton. Seriously. Sort it out.

Things I am too old for #1

1. Clubbing
2. Shopping on Oxford Street on a Saturday
3. Staying up past 2am

I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Unexpected Things

It is sometimes nice when they happen.

Occupational Health

You see, I was under the impression it was a medical degree you required to be a doctor, not a degree in abject stupidity and ignorance with a special award in being a patronising cow.

And I know you were only trying to clear the air when you said you thought I was marvellous, but that just goes to show...

Don't Ask

Because I'll be watching Cracker.

I tripped over outside the White House

and grazed my knee on the hallowed turf of Pennsylvania Avenue. Quite why no one is making a reality TV show about me, I can't imagine.

[closes eyes and wishes very hard that the Cambridge graduate with CP doesn't turn out to be completely annoying.]