I have checked under the sofa

but still no luck

Momentarily

I forgot how to spell the word Tall

This *is* a proper website

OK?

I have taken a dislike to her

and not just because she looks like a horse.

Things which are still happening

This

The woman in the laundrette

does not want to do my laundry.

He sends

random texts.

(Not the previous one. The previous one is something else entirely.)

Clarity

I think you're a self-important twat.

In the slow lane at the swimming pool

Everyone overtakes me.

Stagnation

I have not been out of the house all day.

Things

1. Purple skirt with pale blue spots
2. Purple wrap with chiffon sleeves
3. Eyebrow wax
4. Manicure (thick cuticles, apparently)
5. Facial

That's all.

Given that Misshapes is my theme song

what is Jarvis doing on the Southbank Show?

Limited vocabulary

And so it came to pass that I was walking to the pub. And some drunk teenagers were insulting everyone who passed them.

They were quite creative. A man with a full and impressive beard got called 'Man with a monkey for a face', for example.

So you'll appreciate I was looking forward to walking past them. I mean, 'fucking cripple' is passe these days, and these guys seemed to be imaginative, so I was hoping for something a little more than the usual.

And when it came?

'Hopalong.'

I mean, really. Come on boys. What is this? 1981? Surely you can do better than that. Some word play on 'spastic' at the very least.

I blame the education system.

Vintage Courtney

Go on, take everything, take everything I want you to

I am offended

by iTunes advertising Paul McCartney at me.

I want a Zoom

please.

Zooooommmmm

Gosh how sophisticated

Yet more self-promotion, but a) cream tea, and b) Toby Litt are involved, so I don't know how you can refuse.

No to premature skin ageing!

Sometimes it's good to be a feminist.

Listening to George Michael

Ashamed, you betcha.

Let's go outside.

You taste

of potato chips in the morning.

Not you, baby.

Cheese-and-pickle-man turned out to be crazybonkersmad. Let's not be sorry about that.

Comic book geek

I think I love you.