27 July 2006

Random bloke, I love you

Train. Standing Room Only In Standard Class. Loads of Room in First Class. Ticket Inspector hanging round in aisle. True story

Me: [Perches in First Class.]
Him: So you're happy to pay for a first class upgrade, then?
Me: No. It's ten minutes to the first stop. I can't stand. Someone'll get off at Clapham and I'll go and sit in standard.
Him: I have to charge you an upgrade if you sit in first.
Me: Well, I can't stand and there aren't any seats in standard, so what do you suggest?
Him: Do you have a Registered Disabled Persons Card?
Me: No. I don't think there is such a thing. I get Disability Living Allowance. I am disabled. I don't have a card. What's a registered disabled persons card?
Him: I don't know. It's what the rules say you have to have.
Me: I have a walking stick and a hole in my brain. Does that count as proof?
Him: No. I'm just following the rules.
Me: Help me out, mate. I don't *want* to sit in first class. There's some people in the priority seats up there who didn't move when I got on. Can you give me a hand with them? That's what those seats are there for.
Him: I'm not authorised to ask them to move.
Me: What?
Him: I don't have the authority.
Me: So you have the authority to make a disabled girl stand up all the way to Brighton when there are loads of empty seats here, but you don't have the authority to ask some non-disabled people to get out of seats they shouldn't be in in the first place? Nice.
Him: The conductor can ask them to move.
Me: Can you get the conductor for me?
Him: He's at the other end of the train. You can go and find him.
Me: I can't walk to the other end of a moving train for exactly the same reason I can't stand all the way to Brighton.
Him: Do you want to pay for an upgrade or not?
Me: Not.
Him: Then I'm sorry but you'll have to stand.
Me: Can you arrange for me to be stretchered off at Brighton?
Him: Pardon?
Me: It's just if I do have to stand for much longer, I'll need an ambulance at the other end, so if you could just arrange that, I'd be grateful.
Him: [dumbstruck]

Random bloke somewhere in the standard class carriage: Have my seat.


Blogger marmiteboy said...

Sometimes random acts of violence are the only way.

2:27 pm  
Blogger the girl said...

what marmiteboy said. you should have slapped him. i imagine it would have been deeply satisfying.

5:05 pm  
Blogger Will said...

Any chance you'd let me reprint this - or any version of it you chose - at un-made-up? www.unmadeup.com?

11:32 pm  

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